Behnaz Arzani

Thoughts and "advice"

I hope the content in this section can help others as much as they have helped me over the years. This is not meant as advice, these are nuggets that I have collected over the years from observing others that I looked up to and from experiences in my own life. In doing this I am copying Srinivasan Keshav — (opens in new tab)I found his advice blog insightful and helpful in helping me grow as a researcher and collaborator. This will not be a structured column for now, but I hope to improve it over time.

Work advice:

• My experience has been that it is helpful to look for people that can give you feedback on your work. I have always found that good feedback has made me think more deeply about the work that I do and has helped me massively improve it. I have many people to thank over the years who have given me valuable feedback. In the same spirit, value the feedback you get from anonymous reviewers from conferences and think about them deeply — it is often hard to leave emotions aside when one reads these, especially if the reviewer didn’t fully understand the paper (but even that is feedback that you didn’t write clearly enough for someone with less expertise, less time, or less willingness to dig deep to understand your work) but look at it as an opportunity to improve your work. There is a really good book I read once, thanks for the feedback, I recommend reading it.
• When I learned how to write well (and it took a while, and I don’t know if I am good at it even now) it opened so many more doors for me. Learning how to write well will serve you throughout your career in so many different ways. There is a really good Coursera course on this that I now recommend to all of my interns: writing in the sciences (opens in new tab).
• I have always had people that I aspired to be and that has helped me learn new skills and embody new behaviors that enabled me to advance in my career. Find people that you can look up to and want to be like. Both in research and in life. It will help you grow.
• Revisit the above often. As you change maybe the people you look up to change as well.
• It is a hard blow when someone that you idolize (and I guarantee you it will happen) does not live up to that expectation.  I have learned not idolize anyone. Everyone is human and it is not fair to expect anyone to be perfect.
• Pick problems wisely. Vyas Sekar has a good talk (opens in new tab) that describes what questions you may want to ask yourself when picking research problems.
• This has been something of a revelation for me: If you believe in it, or are curious about it, do it anyway. Yes, it may not be the best research idea, and yes, others may not think it useful, but if you still do, that is enough. Often, such problems haunt us until we go after trying to answer them (sometimes you will find someone else is as curious about it as you are and they go after it — it is then that you may wish that you had done so too). Even if you don’t succeed you will learn a lot along the way.
• Again a hard lesson that I have learned: do the above at the right time. The year you are graduating or finishing a post-doc may not be the year to go after problems that are “flights of fancy” — you will be stressed and you may take short-cuts just to get it done. Plus, its more fun when you have the time and patience to give these problems the time they deserve.
•  These days what brings joy to me is: always do work that you enjoy. It keeps you going when things get hard. I now think its a great way of doing my job.
• This has been a constant in my career: Collaborate often and with many. Don’t worry about credit — it doesn’t matter. In the end, if you do good work, there is enough credit to go around. Its one of the best ways to learn how to be a good researcher– working with other good researchers.
• When you collaborate with others, remember the following: When you collaborate with others you trust them to be vulnerable and show up and expose all of your strength (the fact that you are where you are means you are a good researcher) and weakness (and we are all human) as a researcher so that together you achieve more together. The important thing always is to pick people who understand how sacred that trust is and protect it as much as you do. So choose your tribe and make sure that when you do so, through your actions and words you too show that you understand how sacred that trust is that they placed in you.
• Read the book: Made to Stick. It will help you pitch ideas better.
• I find it hard to talk to people, especially if I don’t know them well. But what I found is that I should push myself at conferences not to be an introvert. Talking to people is hard but worth it.
• Know what your values are as a person, as a researcher, as a collaborator and always try to operate within them.
• My emotions used to get engaged in the discussion when I discussed technical questions, especially if I really believed in what I was saying. This often can lead you to be harsher than you intend to be. It has been a huge change since I decided to conciously leave all emotions aside when discussing technical problems. The more important thing here is: when you offer feedback, offer it in a way that is kind and thoughtful.
•  Research is not a zero-sum game. We build on each-others work, and we can use each-other’s work to make significant advances to science and engineering.
• Surround yourself with people who are positive. Having a positive mindset allows you to achieve more.
• A growth mindset is everything. Don’t tell yourself you cannot do it and don’t accept it when people put a label on you “a thinker”, ” a doer”, “an algorithmic person”, “a system’s person”. You can always learn what you don’t know. It may take you longer than others, more effort than others, but you can learn it.
• The above does not mean you have to know how to do everything — find people who know what you don’t know. Work with them.
• For those who are immigrants, who are women, or share some of this identity with me. Acknowledge that you have gone through a lot and have persevered to get to where you are. Acknowledge the strength it took and the work that you did and be proud of yourself for that. I used to resist anyone who told me “you are a women in tech and you have had to overcome more than most to get here”. I never saw what they meant but it is true. People sometimes look at a women’s achievements and comment out loud how “oh, half of this is because they are a women”  — it impacts you, the listener, to hear that; it seeps into the stories you tell yourself about yourself and your own achievements. I won’t go on about other challenges we all face, Irene Zhang did a great job at describing some of these in her recent blog (opens in new tab).  For those coming from the east, we have other challenges too: (1) it is not easy to aspire to be a great computer scientist where the media in your country teaches you the main role of a women in society is to have children and raise them (though I still was luckier than most because my parents and family taught me there was nothing I couldn’t aspire to be); (2) when I was an undergrad, professors often would comment on how my goal should be to get married instead of being so focused on applying abroad; (3) it is not easy to travel to another country, alone, and leave your family behind to come to another country, where the spoken language is different, where you have no one and start over. It is even harder for Iranians which come to the US with a single entry student visa and don’t get to see their families for years (I didn’t see my brother for 12 years, I have not seen my grandmother in 13). Covid did not make any of this any easier. So what’s my point? You who are reading this, wherever you are: you are strong, you have gotten to the other side of it all, and you are where you are because of your efforts. So instead of thinking “did I achieve this because I am a women or because …” tell yourself  “I overcame all of that and I achieved this, the rest doesn’t matter”.

Life advice:

• Say thank you a lot and often to people who help you in life. It matters.
• Don’t make promises you cannot keep. Its ok to say no.
• Most people are good and have good intentions.
•  Show people how much they matter to you, they will not be around forever.
• Everyone has a story. Remember that. Be kind to others.
• I have learned to be kinder to myself. Other people will criticize you, while you should always reflect and improve, always talk to yourself as you would with your best friend.
• Don’t ever trust someone that will not say to your face what they say behind your back. They probably do not share the same values as you do.
• Ask yourself why.
• Learn how to forgive. You will see below a quote from Oprah: “forgiveness is accepting that the past cannot be any different”. Forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it is for you to be able to let it go — trust me, you don’t want to carry that load with you.
• Learn how to forgive yourself. You too make mistakes and that’s ok. Thats how humans learn. But if you make a mistake also learn how to acknowledge that you did and to apologize. A proper apology has a few elements: (1) it is heartfelt; (2) it does not include an excuse; (3) it does include the steps you are going to take to ensure you would not make the mistake again.
• Have the grace to tell a person when they have done something that does not sit well with you. Most of the time they do not know they have upset you and would appreciate that you told them. Also accept it may take time to change behaviors — expect to do this a few times (unless you see they are not even trying) with the same person until they learn how to do things differently.
• Learn when to stop trying to be someone’s friend when they: (1) behave in ways that shows they do not value it; (2) actively show you they don’t want that friendship; (3) constantly behave in ways that hurt you even though you have taken the time to explain the impact their actions have on you. Some things are just not meant to be — accept that.
• Stand up for those who need standing up for.
• Work to make the world a better place for everyone in any way you can. This is the only thing that you will leave behind that may last at least one person’s lifetime.
• There is a Persian saying: who did you learn manners from? From those who do not have them. Learn from behaviors that you do not approve of.
• Don’t let people drag you into unhealthy behaviors. You are the company you keep.
• Try to understand where people are coming from and be curious about their motivations.
• Prioritize the things that matter in life. The thing you will never get back is time.

Advice and quotes from others (I’ve highlighted the ones I find most useful).

1- Arrogance is the beginning of failure. Mom.

2- If you don’t ask the answer is always no. Boon Thau Loo.

3- Don’t create triangles. Ece Kamar

4- If it won’t bother you in two weeks stop worrying about it now. Ricardo Bianchini (citing an unknown source).

5- Fear is the original sin, every problem in this world comes from the fact that someone is afraid of something. It is a cold slimy serpent coiling about you. It is horrible to live with fear; and it is of all things degrading. L.M. Montgomery in the book The Blue Castle.

6- Ordinary things done consistently produce extra-ordinary results. I do not remember where I read this.

7- It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face ismarred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. Theodore Roosevelt.

8- If you want to go fast go alone but if you want to go far go together. Celine Dion

9- If you feel incomplete you alone must fill all your empty shattered places with love. Oprah

10-If your compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete. Jack Kornfield

11- Surround yourself with people who are only going to lift you higher. Oprah

12- No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies you your right to grow. Alice Walker.

13- We all want to feel we matter to somebody. Oprah

14- Attention is the most basic form of love; through it we bless and are blessed. John Tarrant.

15- Trade your expectation for appreciation and the world changes instantly. Tony Robbins.

16-You have to be able to set boundaries, otherwise the rest of the world is telling you who you are and what you should be doing. Oprah

17- I have standards I don’t plan on lowering for anybody, including myself. Zendaya.

18- You get in life what you have the courage to ask for. Oprah.

19-Sometimes being brave means letting everyone down but yourself. Glennon Doyle.

20- Telling the truth is not what you say it is how you show up. India Arie.

21- Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence? Shirdi Sai Baba, Indian Saint

22-Learn to speak by listening. Rumi

23- In the final analysis of our lives the only thing that will have any lasting value is whether we have loved others and whether they have loved us. Oprah

24- The extraordinary is waiting quietly beneath the skin of all that is ordinary. Mark Nepo

25-Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could be any different. Oprah

26- It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. Aristotle.

28- A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves as something to aim at. Bruce Lee.

29- Most men die at 25, we just don’t bury them until they are 70. Benjamin Franklin.

30– Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid. Albert Einstein.

31- In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. Thomas Jefferson.

32- Just because your winning a game doesn’t mean its a good game. Seth Godin.

33- Change your thoughts and change your world. Norman Vincent Peale.

34- Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. Martin Luther King Jr.

35- Things are only impossible until they are not. Patrick Stewart.

36- I find out what the world needs. Then I go ahead and try to invent it. Thomas Edison.

37- The world’s biggest problem is that not enough people are working on the world’s biggest problems. Max Marmer.

38- The scientist is not the person who gives the right answers, he’s the one who asks the right questions. Claude Levi-Strauss.

39-Let the first impulse pass, wait for the second. Baltasar Gracian.

40- The scariest moment is always right before you start. Stephen King.

41- Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life. Sophia Loren.

42- Brick walls are there for a reason. They are there to show us how badly we want something. Randy Pausch.

43- Improve by 1% a day and in just 70 days you are twice as good. Alan Weiss.

44- To see and listen to the wicket is already the beginning of wickedness. Confucius. 

45- Vision without execution is hallucination. Thomas Edison.

46- He who knows best knows how little he knows. Thomas Jefferson.

47-You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Jim Rohn.

48- It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently. Warren Buffet.

49- I gotta be, gotta be I, gotta be who I know I am inside, finally free, taking it in, look at me flyin. Its always been there but just took me a minute to find it. If I were to be any body I would be hidin. Who I am…

50- You can’t wait until life isn’t bad anymore to be happy.

51- Strong people stand up for themselves, stronger people stand up for others as well.

52- In each situation ask yourself: What do I want? What do I need? What is the opportunity? — Kathy Clifford

53- You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis.

54- If you say no to this, what can you say yes to? Galen Hunt.

55- Fearlessness is like a muscle, I know from my own life that the more I exercise it the more natural it becomes to not let my fears run me. Arianna Huffington.

56- No one has ever made themselves strong by showing how small someone else is. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

57- Everyone you know, love, or meet is learning something, is afraid of something, cares deeply about something, and has lost something. You know this. So keep doing your best to be extra kind today. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

58- The most fundamental aggression to ourselves and others is to remain ignorant by not having awareness or courage to look at ourselves and others honestly and gently. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

59- If someone discredits you and tells you that you cannot do something, keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

60- In this crazy world that’s trying to make you the same as everyone else find the courage to keep being your awesome self. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

61- I come as one but I stand as ten thousand. Maya Angelou.

62- It is you who tells others what your worth is by showing them what your willing to accept for your time and attention. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

63- One of the most rewarding and important moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change, like someone else’s behavior or decisions. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

64- Some chapters in our lives have to close without closure. There is no point in losing yourself by trying to fix what is meant to stay broken. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

65- You really can’t take things other people say about you too personally. What they think and say is a reflection of them, not you. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

66- Let your scars remind you that the damage someone has inflicted on you has left you stronger, smarter, and more resilient. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

67- Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. Don’t be one of them. Ultimately, you are who you are when nobody’s watching. Know this! And dare to be yourself, however awkward, different, or odd that self may prove to be to someone else. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

68- Somewhere within each complaint is a genuine desire to improve things. So make the choice not to aggregate a bad situation with your complaints. Choose instead to improve it with your positive thoughts, ideas, and actions. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

69- You can’t save most people from themselves, so don’t get sucked too deep into their drama. Those who make perpetual chaos of their lives wont appreciate you interfering with the commotion they  have created anyway. They want your sympathy but they don’t want to change. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

70- Forgive anyway, for your own sake, and then let what’s meant to be be. Mark and Angel Chernoff.

80- Speaking and thinking are closely connected, the use of words assists the mind. George Polya.